"Am I normal?"

I belong to several boards. I post from time to time on these boards. Not always, because I really don't like interacting with the Zombies.

Any, oddly enough, sex seems to be a common topic. (This is the Internet after all.)

You see, I like talking about sex. I like thinking about sex. I just like sex.

It helps that sex is awesome.

Anyway....One of the boards I frequent has a Sexually Explicit area. This board is also frequented by minors. (As you may have guessed I am not a minor.)

Now while it isn't explicitly against the ToS for one of the youngn's to post within the Sex area, there is a whole host of rules about how they are to be treated. (Which is good, because if you don't have a post about not sending pics of your dick to a 14 year old some people wouldn't know not to do it.)

So on to the bulk of this story.

I'm tooling around the forum and I find a post with the above title.

The poster states that she sometimes masturbates to girl-on-girl porn. She goes on to state that she has been doing this for awhile, and she enjoys it. Then she asks the question.

The post already has several responses indicating this this is normal and she is fine and she should masturbate to whatever floats her boat.

I was formulating my own response when I glance over at her profile pic and notice the info box below it indicates she it 14.

Which causes me to reformulate my response.

"No, you're not."

The zombies swarmed over this. Within hours there were more responses to my "No, you're not" than there were to the origin post. (Consider me a thread-jacker.)

Now let me say, I knew full well what I was doing. I knew the zombies would react as such. I intended it. Because sometimes I just feel like being a dick.

Now once they are all riled up I get to swoop in and explain my comment using my twisted logic.

But there's a hitch...Apparently the thread garnered the attention of a Mod who felt that the topic and poster sort of violated the ToS, or at least skirted the edge of the rules enough to get the thread locked and then deleted before I could respond.

So I will subject you to my intended rebuttal:

Before everyone drives themselves into too much of a lather, allow me to explain.

First I'm going to make three main assumptions.

1) The OP is actually a 14 year old girl, instead of a 38 year old guy who gets he jollies by pretending to be a 14 year old girl and talking about masturbation to strangers on the internet. (This is most likely the biggest assumption.)

2) You are neurotypical, without any undiagnosed psychological disorders (or unmentioned disorders), and not simply craving attention. (Again, a big assumption.)

3) You really wish to know if you are "normal".

Now, we're going to skip over the implied meta-ethical question "What is Normal?" for a moment.

But we do have to two statements about "Normal", so that we're all on the same page. One is that "Normal" is situational. And two is that "Normal" is a spectrum.

So my (mostly rhetorical, because I'm going to posit my own answers) question to you is, what "Normal" are you asking about?

If you are talking about your the social norm of your local group, here's what I suggest.

Poll you friends, family, and peer group. (I suggest using a double blind, sampling survey. For best results. No need to ask everyone, just 10% or so.)

Here's my suggestion for the question:

(Pick the answer that best fits you.)

How often do you engage in self-pleasure while viewing pornography involving two member of the same sex, who's sex is the same as your.

1) Always
2) Often
3) Sometimes
4) Rarely
5) Never

Then compile the results. If 50.1% or more answer "Sometimes" or higher, then you're "Normal" for your real world social group.

Because of the propensity of people your age to deny latent homosexuality, and the rampant undercurrent of irrational homophobia in this country, I expect the results to come out as follows:

1) 9%
2) 2%
3) 2%
4) 2%
5) 85%

It seems only about 14% of females within you age group (11-14) self-identify as bisexual. (Stats)

So, I'm going to with my original statement.

No, you're not.

If you are asking if you are "Normal" in relation to this forum...well my answer is still "No, you're not."

Over the the BDSM thread there is a guy he loves to have a woman wrap a belt around his neck while he humps a pillow until he has an orgasm while watching urination porn.

You're actually a bit vanilla. And not even cool french vanilla. You're not even Ice cream. You're not even served in a bowl. You're like Iced Milk, served on a paper plate with a plain old disposable plastic picnic spoon.

You're sub normal.

And if you're asking in relation to the Net in general...well you're barely a blip on the radar.

Now...enough of me being asinine.

If my three above assumptions are correct and you really want to know then my answer is, "No, you're not".

Not for masturbating to girl-on-girl, that's fine. Everyone explores their sexuality in one form or another. Something we find arousing in erotica and fantasy, does not necessarily dictate our standard sexual preferences. (It doesn't make you gay, not that there is anything wrong with that.) You could be bisexual, you're still developing.

Makes you "not normal" is the fact that you are 14 and posting about your masturbatory habits on a public forum. A place where, what amounts to, everyone with a computer can read it. (Current estimations state that there are a billion and a half people on the net). And your comments will be around forever. (Don't bother deleting it now, other people have quoted it, and even so the whole forum is trapped in the Wayback by now.)

So, let me sum up. No, you're not" normal...but who the hell cares.


So that would have been my response...if the zombies hadn't gone ape shit and gotten the thread locked and deleted.

But in truth I left a little bit out.

I think she is pretty normal for a 14 year old. Self-doubt is normal for her age. As is masturbation. And girl on girl is about the single most common kind of porn in existence.

Hell...its may favorite too.

You're not going to like this blog...

Because you're a Zombie.

I actually believe that. In my heart of hearts. Deep down in the cockles, perhaps the sub-cockle region. You are a zombie.

I'm not talking about hunger-for-the-flesh-of-the-living or extra-in-a-Romero-flick zombie. But instead I think you are a Philosophical Zombie, lacking in the quintessence that makes one "real".

You shamble through your life, shuffling from home to work to the mall and back home again. Trapped in the horrific existence of the living-dead. I'll come back to this in a moment.

Sorry, I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.

Let me clear up a few things up before I continue.

The tone of this blog may seem, at times, as if I am talking down to you. That's because I am. If that offends you, I am sorry. But its true. I am better than you. But then again, I am an anomaly. I am self-aware.

You are most likely not self-aware. You are not an anomaly. You are not a special snowflake. You are a Zombie. It is likely you have taken offense to being called such, and may have even stopped reading by this point. Its ok. I'm fine with that. Remember, I pointed out that you weren't going to like this blog. This actually leads to another point.

I'm not writing this for you. I am writing it from me. To let the words out of my head. To express my own sense of sadness and loss. My terror at being surrounded, deep within enemy territory. Zombies everywhere I look. I'm trapped in the mall and no one is coming.

Now, please please please don't assume that I'm intentionally attempting to interest you by insulting you, or that I am unbelievably full of myself. (1)

The "He thinks I'm dumb, I'll prove him wrong" hook has been played. Its tired. And, I am full of myself. So please, if your only comment is going to be an attempt to try to convince me that I'm not special, or to get me to question me "specialness"...save it. The world around me has done a better job of it than any 5 lines you could ever write in a comment.

Also I'm not really deep enough to keep that approach going for long.

Now...what was I saying...

Oh yeah, you're a Zombie. Shambling around. Check.

Now outwardly you may mistake me for a zombie if you were to ever meet me in real life. I have a day job, I go to the mall, I drive a nice family car. Strip away the illusion of anonymity the Internet provides and you might see someone not to dissimilar to yourself. But don't let that fool you my friend. That is simply a cover. An act. Camouflage. I have to blend in, lest the zombies become aware of my presence.

Why? (2)

You see, the Zombie is a pack hunter. If one gets a whiff of fresh meat...well, you can just forget about going to the mall ever again, because in mere seconds you'll be nipples deep in zombies.

Zombies envy what they don't have, and they hate what they don't understand.

And I have self-awareness. Something they would envy if they could understand it. But since they don't understand it, they would just try to destroy it. I've seen it happen before.

The Zombie isn't self aware. It may act like it. It may cry out if it burns its hand, but it really doesn't feel. That's just a chemical reaction. Nerves in the hand transmit impulses to the brain, the brain reacts in a pre-programmed manner.

And worst still, the Zombie doesn't know it isn't self-aware. Most zombies never give a moment's thought to it's own awareness. It saddens me, but it is true.

But the absolute worst of them all is the Zombie that thinks it is aware. This is a special class of monster. Scarier than the rest. This kind of zombie thinks it is aware, and that it has the right to expose its ideals and force them on to others. It sits in dark rooms, or legislative halls, and gibbers in near human voices, a macabre shadow of a real person. This, invariably, is the most dangerous kind.

Wow...that got a bit more metaphorie than I first planned. So I'll drop that for now. I'll pick it back up when I have something new to say on the topic.


~~~~~~~~~


TL;DR is place for me to post all those rants and raves that I would usually post on other blogs or forums but don't because I have become aware that zombies don't read.

Here I get to explore, uninterrupted, concepts that would take too long to explain to someone over a chat or in a thread (that could get jacked at any second by a picture of a gribble with a pancake on its head).

A place where I can tackle the hard topics for no one but myself.

Concepts like Truth, Normalcy, Love, Blowjobs....you know...deep stuff like that.

Now, in the above comments you may have gotten the impression that I hate Zombies. I don't. I feel bad for them. And from time to time I still try to educate them. (It never seems to work, but it is the responsibility of all people with selfawareness to attempt to help the zombies).

Hell, some of my best friends are Zombies.

Something I hope for this blog would be for a Zombie to read the some of the posts here and wake up a bit. (Which is unlikely, due to zombies not being able to read and all.)

What I really hope is to fine some more real people. I am lucky enough to actually know a few. The world is lucky if there are a hundred real people alive right now.

Hell...if you've read this far, and not just skipped down from the top, chances are slightly better in my eyes that you may not be a zombie.

Well....till later.



(1) My epic egotism is only tangentially related to my belief that I am special. Wit, charm, an I.Q. in the 160's and a large penis are just a few of the things that make me special.

(2) I really hope you just didn't ask that question to your computer screen. Or worse yet, out-loud.